dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
