I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
