Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
