Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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