someone threw a dead crab at me
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
