How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
