I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
