Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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