I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
