return my video game
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
