I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
