Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
