Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I'm drive I can fine osifer
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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