then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
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