I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You are the jesus of drinking
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
