Apparently you make a good broom.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
