I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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