living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
