Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
