Who wears a wallet chain?!
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Sext me about skeletons
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
