The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
