I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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