you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.