I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
