Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
