Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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