I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
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There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
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After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Your penis caused this!
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize