Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
