I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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