in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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