Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
