apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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