dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
