I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
