FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
My bed smells like the plague
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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