Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
