I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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