bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You have to summon your inner elephant
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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