I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
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