life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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