I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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