sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
