we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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