Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
