she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
