i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
