I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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