She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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