My liver just broke up with me...
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
