Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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