I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
