I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
