i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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