Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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