Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
